THE NEXT time you see me I may well have less hair, a permanent look of anger on my face, and bruised knuckles.
Now I haven't joined the local cage fighting league... I've actually been playing Pro Evolution Soccer 09 online.
The idea is simple. Connect up your PS3 (or whatever platform you have) to the internet, get a copy of the game, register it and wallah! You can play matches against people from all over the world.
The actual reality is very different.
Remember the days of the Spectrum ZX and the (later) Spectrum 128K? Remember how you used to go to load a game, inserting the cassette into the tape player, and wait while the annoying noise signalled the game was loading. And then... it stopped. Without loading the game.
My parents used to ask me how the keyboard of the Spectrum became warped, as if someone had applied pressure onto it... almost like someone had thrown their clenched fists down onto it with great force.
You can imagine how it came about.
That rage from my youth has become increasingly apparent with the release of that game, and the subsequent attempts I have made to 'play' it.
While PES09 is different - in that it actually loads - the problems are similar.
You start the game and all's well. You're playing Ronaldo78 from Paris, France, he takes a shot and it goes wide of the goal.
My keeper goes to take the goal kick, he runs up and kicks the ball, the screen moves to the far end of the pitch and the ball is nowhere to be seen.
The game continues on Ronaldo78 scores, and I'm none the wiser. I was looking at the other end of the pitch where nothing was happening.
In computer speak it's called 'lagging' and it's where the game crashes.
And I can't tell you how annoying it is. Since launching the online service a couple of years ago the makers of the PES series have admitted to problems with its online content.
Each year I get the game and play it hoping the problem has been fixed. But it hasn't.
The online content on other games such as Grand Theft Auto is fine. Or rather, it works. But it seems Konami still haven't worked out how to fix it.
My internet connectivity is fine so it must be down to the game.
It is the single most annoying thing of my 31 years. Apart from of course the dark Spectrum days.
With the release of the new 2010 game later this year, one can only hope that things will improve. At least for my sanity's sake.
Anyways, in the meantime here's some other titles to crack on with:
Title: G-Force
Platform: Xbox 360
Genre: Action
Price: £39.99
Hit count: 4/5
The prospect of controlling a guinea pig hooked up with a high-tech jet-pack and other electronic gizmos is already enough to make the most mature gamer raise a smile - the fact that this game comes bundled with a couple of pairs of old-school 3D glasses merely completes your regression to pre-teen times.
Tying in with Disney's big-screen release, G-Force predominantly puts you in control of Darwin, heading up a team of dynamic guinea pigs on a mission to save the world. Plus there's Mooch the fly, whose character you can switch between when puzzles require you to access those hard-to-reach places.
There's a great balance of action and puzzle-solving throughout, and the enemies can't fail to raise a chuckle - whether you're tackling a crazed food blender or temperamental toaster. Tight controls never waver, whatever you're trying to do, and a mild sense of repetition later on the game does little, if anything, to dampen a fab movie tie-in experience.
Title: GTA Triple Pack
Platform: PS2
Genre: Action
Price: £24.99
Hit count: 5/5
While Grand Theft Auto 4 gave gamers a startlingly realistic glimpse into the future of sandbox titles on the next-generation consoles, Rockstar fanatics will never look back at previous incarnations of the GTA series and scoff - they'll appreciate the giant leaps the developer took for gaming-kind with each instalment.
Now you can relive the past with an incredible trilogy that simply must be owned, if only for keeping shrink-wrapped on your shelf for posterity.
A mere £25 gives you the full, unabridged versions of GTA 3, GTA Vice City and GTA San Andreas, all of which in their own right are fantastic, funny, controversial and captivating games - together they're a hefty chunk of the best games ever released for the PS2.
Title: Fritz Chess
Platform: PS3
Genre: Chess
Price: £19.99
Hit count: 4/5
Chess is chess, so how can so many different incarnations of this classic board game continue to shift thousands of units? Surely, if you've got one simulation, you've got them all?
Well, one glance down the features list of Fritz Chess shows that while the classic mode is there in all its glory - and with several difficulty settings - there are also a host of 'alternative' modes that would probably have the game's creators turning in their graves.
Chess 960 randomly shuffles the greater pieces to give each match a new unexpected challenge, while Giveaway chess sees the victor crowned when he has captured all of his opponent's pieces.
These modes certainly add a bit of spice to proceedings, and some much-needed variety, but it's the core challenge that will appeal to chess fans.
And, with over 2,000 historical matches to relive and analyse, there's more than enough to keep those over-active brains ticking over.
Title: Cake Mania: In The Mix!
Platform: Wii
Genre: Cookery
Price: £19.99
Hit count: 3/5
So, what will the Wii controller have you doing this week? It's fair to say that almost every physical activity has been recreated on the system during its relatively short life-span, meaning we shouldn't bat an eyelid at being asked to decorate a cake that you've just baked.
And that's exactly the kind of gaming challenge you can expect with In The Mix, as you build up your bakeries to the point where celebrity chefs would be jealous at the embarrassment of culinary riches at your disposal - from display stands to cookie ovens and everything inbetween.
Graphically it looks really nice, and there's no doubt it becomes a serious challenge pretty quickly, but sadly it's let down by a pretty clumsy control system - the one thing that makes this version truly unique from other formats, albeit this time in a bad way.
Title: Puzzle Kingdoms
Platform: Nintendo DS
Genre: Puzzle/Strategy
Price: £19.99
Hit count: 3/5
From conquering cities around the world to competing in what is essentially are-skinned Bejeweled experience, Puzzle Kingdoms challenges you to plan outstrategic attacks in order to defeat your opponents, then order your troops across the map, winning battles through this puzzle gameplay.
At first it's aslightly bizarre combination of role-playing-games and puzzle action, but overall it works pretty well.
Battles are frenetic and addictive, and the careful management of your team of heroes is also crucial to your success. Fans of Galactrix and Puzzle Quest will be grateful for more of the same here, although things probably haven't moved on as much as you would like.
For anyone else looking for a fairly unique, on-the-go gaming experience, Puzzle Kingdoms is probably worth a look for under £20.
WHAT'S HOT AND WHAT'S NOT
Following the Grand Theft Auto retro trilogy pack on PS2, iPhone and iPod Touch owners can now also take a peek at how GTA-style action is taking shape on Apple's hardware.
A free 'lite' version of TAG Games' crime sim Car Jack Streets has been launched in the App store.
The top-down, free-for-all provides a 30-minute crime spree across the city, with the aim of raising 5,000 dollars to pay off a mob boss, while the full version gives you the wide open city you'd expect, with unlimited missions and carnage to create.
Designed and developed by members of the original Grand Theft Auto creative team, this is one not to miss.
In the charts this week, Wii Sports Resort went straight into the No 1 position, toppling Harry Potter, which in turn sent Transformers spiralling down from two to five.
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10 held firm at three, as did Wii Fit at four, while Virtua Tennis 2009 was the big loser of the week, falling out of the top-10 altogether.
GAMES CHART: ALL FORMATS FULL PRICE
1. Wii Sports Resort
2. Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince
3. Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10
4. Wii Fit
5. Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen
6. Fight Night Round 4
7. Call Of Juarez: Bound In Blood
8. The Sims 3
9. Call Of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
10. EA Sports Active: Personal Trainer
Leisure software charts compiled by Chart Track, (c) ELSPA (UK) Ltd
